Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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