I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So much Jack, so little girl.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
