I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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