She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
