I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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