i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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