to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
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I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
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you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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