he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
