I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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