apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
