Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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