next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
