woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
