woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
