i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
