these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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