the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
