he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
