I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
