Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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