My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
