Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize