He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
