I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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