Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
