New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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