Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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