i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
