The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
