Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
