your parents love me but you hate me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im having a threesome with these popsicles
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
