I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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