Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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