I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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