The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
