bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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