it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!