this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger