he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I have tasted many bathrooms
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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