I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.