I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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