my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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