Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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