My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize