Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
