Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
