Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
