y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
