Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
