Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
