I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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