You're completely useless in the revolution.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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