i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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