If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
