So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
