It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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