Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i need an iv and a liver transplant
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
