gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
